2-3 Useful Things to Know About Estate Planning

A family crisis, a podcast, and 2 good takeaways

It’s not every day I get to be on a podcast, talking about (let’s just say it) the kinda boring topic of estate planning. But today is the day, and the episode is super interesting.

I was invited to be on Slate’s How To! advice podcast because I cover retirement and estate planning issues for Next Avenue. The How To! team wanted me to offer advice to a listener who had asked for expert input on their family dilemma. 

In a nutshell: The episode features André, whose parents had asked them to be executor of their estate some years ago. Of course, they accepted the responsibility then. But as time passed, André (who is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns) began to realize that estate planning was, whoa, pretty complicated. And they needed help.

But their parents didn’t want to share any further information. Not even the name of their lawyer! 

Sigh.¹

It was intense. But I don’t want to recap the story in detail here because 1. There’s the podcast episode; and 2. there’s also the related article on Next Avenue, with extra takeaways from a very smart estate planning lawyer. 

But: I learned a thing or two myself from this amazing experience.

Takeaway #1

When you hear words like power of attorney, health care proxy, probate, will, executor — do you feel queasy? Or like there’s a brick in your stomach?

I know I do. 

It’s not surprising, though, because everything most of us have heard about retirement is about retirement. Hardly anyone talks about the phase that occurs post-retirement and pre-death (PR/PD) — which can last for years — and involves a fair amount of paperwork.

I won’t explain all the legal documents here, but trust me, you will need some or all of them. (This article on powers of attorney is useful, and so is my friend Colin’s estate planning checklist — p.s. he also writes the No Homework Substack). 

In short, my podcast with André made me realize that the PR/PD phase deserves a lot more conversation, so we can say things to each other, like: “Did you know that each state has a different limit on probate?” and not choke on our soup.

Takeaway #2

André’s situation is a tough one, no doubt. We did the interview on the spot, over zoom (as things often are). And though I had some background on André, it was intense to hear a real person describe a family dilemma like this.

I could sense that Andre felt pretty boxed in. And I got it: the way out was not clear.

And then I remembered an old button I used to have pinned to my knapsack when I was in high school (remember when we wore buttons?). It said: 

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.

That quote, attributed to Einstein and others, used to make me laugh. But even as a neurotic New York City teenager, I sensed there was deep wisdom in that button.

And it rolled out here. The upside of having healthy, stubborn, private parents who don’t want to share their plans — is that it’s a long game. You can’t force a situation, but you can let time do some of the heavy lifting. I think Marcus Aurelius said that. Probably. It kinda sounds like him.

1. You know why I’m sighing. Parents! Families! The cost of eggs! Why do things get so complicated, fraught, and frustrating? I know of one (1) family where the parents, then in their 80s, downsized their home and sold it, and moved without drama into an assisted community they had chosen some years before. It was like a fairy tale of oldness. Except it was real! Unfortunately, there were only two parts available for the Fairy Tale of Oldness, and they got it, and now the rest of us have to get back to work.