Squished: A Cautionary Tale About Caregivers' Retirement

It's not just the expense of taking care of an older parent, it's the timing.

A few months ago, I found myself reflecting on something I hate to talk about (or think about), which is: What did it cost me, my brother, and our very supportive spouses, to take care of my dad at the end of his life?

Dad moved in with my brother and sister-in-law about two years before he died. Dad didn’t have much money, and our decision was the best of some not-fantastic options. Still, as I wrote for Next Avenue, we were not prepared. And although my brother and I work in money-related fields — and in theory we were better equipped than some — managing the financial side of those two years … ooof.

I mean, we’re still on loving terms, all four of us: my brother and I and our unbelievably supportive spouses. So that’s a huge win.

And yet. 

It twists and turns in my mind, the days and hours I lost to doctor’s appointments and various emergencies, large and small. As someone who gets paid by the project… I can’t even let myself do the math. 

And then there’s the godawful strain my brother and sister-in-law were under, because they had to move homes three times in those two years — first, because that was the plan; once because the landlord cried Covid! and raised the rent a heinous amount; then, because Dad passed.

Never mind everything in between. 

When caregivers lose ground

What I found myself preoccupied with, and ended up writing about in a recent story for Kiplinger, is that although the financial outlays hit caregivers hard, the stealth risk factor for caregivers is the timing. 

Think about it: 

By the time someone you love needs care — e.g., when they’re in their 70s, 80s or 90s — you’re probably not so young yourself. In fact, there’s a good bet you’re somewhere on that bumpy 10- or 5-year stretch leading up to your own retirement. And when an older parent can’t afford a home aide, or assisted living — that’s when middle-aged adult kids or relatives often step up. And they’re typically not paid for doing so. 

Some 37 million adults take care of people over the age of 65, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

37 million. Unpaid.

And while 60%, or about 22 million of those unpaid caregivers are women, the timing of caregiving exacts a toll on everyone. 

I spoke to Samantha Brady, a researcher from the MIT AgeLab (and a Ph.D. student at Brown), who studied what happens to a woman’s career when she steps into an unpaid caregiving role, for example. 

Brady found it’s not so much that women who are caregivers quit their jobs, it’s more like they lose financial ground at a critical moment leading up to retirement. The dynamics are different for men — who tend not to suffer the same penalty at work, for example. But either way, the cost of eldercare not only hits you in the present — gas, groceries, utilities, prescriptions, pull-ups, whatnot — it siphons away money you’ll need to cover your own elder years.

How to spot a blind spot

Taking care of the folks we love who are elderly, frail, or sick has never been easy. But now people are living years longer than they once did — often with chronic conditions like dementia or diabetes — and it’s prolonging the caregiving burden for everyone. 

I hate to use the word “burden.” My dad was not a burden. But taking care of him, with little financial help or respite, was rough on me, my brother, and our very supportive spouses — and, I now realize, on our IRAs and 401(k)s as well. 

MarketWatch columnist Beth Pinsker, CFP®, who’s written about her own experience taking care of her mom (her book, “My Mother’s Money,” comes out this fall) also spoke to the silence around what is, for many people, a retirement crisis.

“We talk about the emotional burden of caregiving,” she said. “We talk about the physical needs of caregiving. We talk about the mechanics of caregiving. But we don’t really talk about what happens financially when you get thrown into a caregiving role.”

Either way, make eldercare a part of your plan

Normally, I’d beat the We-Gotta-Talk-About-This drum. It’s my favorite drum! (And that’s not a bad thing, as a friend recently pointed out. We’re still getting up to speed here on how to have conversations about eldercare, costs and all.) Samantha Brady also emphasized the need to exchange more words, with each other, about these financial challenges. How else to come up with solutions?

“What we've seen in our research at the AgeLab, time and time again, regardless of gender, regardless of situation, is that this isn’t a topic people proactively talk about,” she told me. “People don’t always bring it up with financial professionals, and not even within families. These are conversations that aren't happening.” 

Some conversations are happening, of course, even in these crazy times. 

It’s heartening that 10 brave, compassionate states and Washington, D.C., offer some type of paid time off for caregivers: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Illinois, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, Washington. Next year Delaware, Maine, Maryland, and Minnesota will likely offer paid leave policies, as well.

If you overlook the sad fact that it’s not all 50 states — I’ve heard that older people now live in all 50 states — that’s really good news. There are also other ways caregivers can get paid, assuming they and/or the person they care for, are eligible. 

The devil is always in the details, but hey. It’s a place to start laying some groundwork for what could happen to you.

“Even though we hope we don't have to take on a caregiving role, or we might think it's not going to be us,” Brady said, “the reality is, these shocks happen. And chances are, many people will be caregivers — especially women. So how can we plan for it sooner, financially?”